The Last Pirates of the Vast Golden Treasure
A Rollicking 2-page Synopsis with Songs
Act 1
The Pirate Earl is at the wheel of his pirate ship extolling all the virtues of piracy and mourning his long lost mother. (“Ahoy,” Track #1) Morning has arrived and it is time for roll call. (“Roll Call,” Track #2) The colorful, yet slightly inept, pirates of the vast golden treasure introduce themselves and report on their progress in searching for the vast golden treasure. Blind Barnacle Bob seems to be the only pirate who can understand the pirate gibberish spoken by Fuddle. Seven and Nine are twins, even though they were born seventh and ninth in a family of ten. Cookie, the cook on the ship, makes everything from mackerel. Brawnie has all the strength while Swishy seems to be a bit too effeminate. And Long John, dim-witted to say the least, rounds out this colorful and courageous band of pirates.
A bottle is found floating bottle with a note inside. The kingdom has been overrun by anarchy! No, not anarchy! The pirates most assuredly cannot let anarchy reign. (“Scurvy Scum,” Track #3) They suspend their quest for the vast golden treasure to return and free the kingdom from horrible anarchy. (“Scurvy Scum, reprise,” Track #4)
When the pirates reach the kingdom, they find a man chained to the craggy shore. As they are about to free him, an army approaches. (“Ladies of Anarchy,” Track #5) The vicious Ladies of Anarchy have overtaken the kingdom and banished all men. Two more men are chained to the craggy shore to be horribly devoured by the Monster of the Sea. Once the Ladies of Anarchy leave, the pirates discover a group of women loyal to the king. ("Stay Maidens," Track #6) They decide to join forces to lay straight anarchy, restore the kingdom, and free the Father of the Fairest Beautiful Maiden from the dungeon. At the last minute, the Ladies of Anarchy return. (“Ladies of Anarchy March,” Track #7) A battle ensues chasing the Ladies of Anarchy back to the royal chamber. (“The Battle for the Dead Men,” Track #8)
In the Royal Chamber of the castle, Lady Anne, the leader of the Ladies of Anarchy, sentences numerous men to be chained to the Craggy Shore. (“Anarchy,” Track #9) Many years ago, Lady Anne lost her infant son, and now detests all men. She comes from the Land of Archy, and as such, is called Lady Anne of Archy, or Lady Anarchy. Funny, get it? The Ladies of Anarchy return in haste from the Craggy Shore to tell Lady Anne of the pirates' arrival. Lady Anne vows to destroy the pirates and all men in the worst possible way. (“Sinister,” Track #10)
In the dungeon, the Father of the Fairest Beautiful Maiden is writing notes, stuffing them in bottles, and throwing them out the window of his cell and into the water. He implores his daughter to not try to rescue him. (“Set Free,” Track #11) His fellow cell mates weep at the love he has for his daughter. Lady Anne barges in and finds the notes the Father has been writing. Lady Anne vows to destroy the Father tomorrow. (“Set Free, reprise,” Track #12)
Back on the pirate ship, the pirates are reveling in their victory over the Ladies of Anarchy. But how will they rid the kingdom of the Ladies of Anarchy and free the Father? (“Succeed,” Track 13) Should they dress like ninjas, or build a giant wooden gopher to hide in, or fling cow pies at them?
In the forest hideout of the wonderful women of the kingdom, the dames feel that their prayers have been answered, though the pirates may not be exactly the heroes that they envisioned. (“Heroes Succeed,” Track #14)
Back in the Royal Chamber, the Ladies of Anarchy vow that these vile pirates will not succeed. (“Not Succeed,” Track #15) The news has been spread to every corner of the kingdom. The Father will be destroyed at sunset tomorrow. Surely the pirates will try to rescue him.
The Old Woman, a wonderful woman smitten by all things pirate who lost her son many years before, reveals a morsel of information to the Pirate Earl. The imprisoned father is, in fact, the king. The Fairest Beautiful Maiden is the royal princess. Now the pirates must restore the kingdom and free their king! (“Succeed Trio,” Track #16) The task, though at first monumental, now becomes the task of legends.
Act 2
The Pirate Earl is again at the wheel of his ship at sunrise extolling the monumental task of the coming day and asking his long lost mother for guidance. (“Ahoy, reprise,” Track #17) The pirates find another bottle in the water with another note in it. The note says that the Father will be destroyed at sunrise, and any man who does not try to rescue him will be deemed a coward. Additionally, any woman who brings the pirates to the castle, shall be rewarded. The pirates will not be called cowardly! (“Cowards,” Track #18)
The Fairest Beautiful Maiden appears and sings of her dear Father and the fear that all will be lost. (“Set Free, Duet,” Track #19) The question remains, how will the pirates get into the castle? Long John stumbles upon an idea. The wonderful women will disguise the pirates as ladies loyal to Lady Anne who have come to the castle to see the Father destroyed in the worst possible way. Once in the royal chamber, the pirates will then lay straight anarchy and free the father, their king. (“Cowards, reprise,” Track #20)
Lady Anne is in the Royal Chamber dreaming of the name she will be called once she is queen. (“Queen To Be,” Track #21)
The Fairest Beautiful Maiden, the Father, and the Pirate Earl all separately draw strength from within and vow that, in the end, this will all work out. (“This Will All Work Out,” Track #22)
In the hiding place of the wonderful women, the pirates are being disguised as women, without much success. However, the Old Woman is delighted at the pirates in every way. (“Smitten,” Track #23) The pirates finally appear dressed as woman during an awkward, techno style show. They all seem uncomfortable and embarrassed, except, of course, for Swishy. But they are now ready for battle!
It is sunset and the Royal Chamber is ready for the destruction of the Father. (“Anarchy, reprise,” Track #24) The pirates arrive at the Royal Chamber and are allowed inside. Expecting the pirates at any moment, Lady Anne demands that these new ladies tell the story of the land from which they come, the Land of Pause. The pirates, unprepared, sing about the Land of Pause and how they hate the Men o’ Pause. (“The Women of Pause,” Track #25) Lady Anne can wait no longer. The worst possible way machine is brought out, a man is put inside and horribly turned into a pile of nothingness. The Father, now revealed as the king, is brought to the machine. The pirates unveil themselves, along with the wonderful women, and a battle ensues. (“The Battle for the Kingdom,” Track #26) The pirates outlandishly lose, and the Pirate Earl is strapped to the machine. ("Strapped to the Machine," Track #27) Just before he is to be destroyed, Lady Anne sees the lining of his cloak. It is similar to the lone piece of fabric that she has left from her long lost son. Lady Anne believes that the Pirate Earl is her missing son. She immediately frees the Pirate Earl reinstates the king, and restores the kingdom, begging for forgiveness. As the Pirate Earl is about to hug his new found mother, he bumps the machine, knocking Lady Anne in, and destroying her in the worst possible way. In this moment of horror, the Old Woman shows the Pirate Earl the fabric that she has from her long lost son. It is identical. The Old Woman is the Pirate Earl’s true mother. What a relief!
The kingdom is restored. The king is freed. The Princess Goldie is crowned the new queen. (“Finale,” Track #28) And as told in the note in the bottle, “Any woman who brings these pirates to the castle shall receive a vast golden treasure.” Since the pirates brought themselves, the pirates, to the castle dressed as women, they must receive a reward. The Queen presents the pirates a vast golden treasure. The quest is now rollickingly complete!
Argh ye mates ahoy!